The Blind Date.

Bit of background on this one: It's based on something that I actually witnessed in Dada restaurant on South William Street the week before Christmas. Sitting beside our table was a couple clearly having the worst date imaginable. The reference to Battlestar Galactica in the story is a direct quote from what I overheard as they ate.  The food there is amazing by the way. Well worth a visit if you're in Dublin.

Isabelle arrived early at the Moroccan restaurant and was shown to her table by the waiter. It was a freezing cold Saturday afternoon so she had sensibly dressed in as many layers as possible. Her fingers fumbled nervously with the buttons of her jacket and she realised that her throat had gone as dry as the Sahara. It wasn’t even a real date and she was beginning to panic as if she was a fourteen year old again. She took a small mirror from her purse and checked her reflection to make sure her eye-shadow had stayed where she had put it a half hour before. It was fine. But maybe she should fix that massive glob of eyeliner hanging off her eyelash? She took a tissue from her bag and delicately removed it. All was well with the world. She could relax now that she wasn’t completely hideous, well except for those massive bags under her eyes.  

The waiter brought over a jug of water with a sprig of mint floating inside it. She watched as he filled her glass. Isabelle took a generous gulp as soon as his back was turned to calm the butterflies in her stomach. She should never have agreed to meet this guy but the girls in the office were insistent. He was lovely they insisted. He’d be a good match for her they said and besides, she hadn’t had any interest from a man in forever and she wasn’t getting any younger. Days of berating from her colleagues had eventually broken down her defences and she’d eventually agreed and made the effort to dress up to try and break her cold streak. It would allow her some peace from the constant nagging.

A man entered the restaurant and looked around slowly. The place was practically empty with just a couple and their friend playing catch up in the far corner so it didn’t take long for him to conclude that she was his date. He walked over and looked her up and down:

"You Isabelle?” he asked.

“Yes. You’re Brian?”

“I suppose so.”

He took off his long black leather coat, exposing an unwashed black hoodie and a slight beer gut.

“What sort of food they sell here?” asked Brian.

“It’s Moroccan food. I heard it was good.” said Isabelle, defensively.

“Moroccan? Like Falafel? Fecking hate it. Foreign muck.”

Warning lights stared flashing inside Isabelle’s head: “No, like tagines and cous-cous. That kind of thing.”

“I don’t know what those are, but I’ll give them a try.” said Brian, trying to show that he was open minded.

Thirty seconds in and this is already not going well. thought Isabelle.

Brian sat down without another word and studied the menu. Isabelle did likewise, trying not to make eye contact in the hope that the date ended as quickly as possible. Brian kept looking up from the menu and staring at her chest before returning to studiously srcutinising the document as if the secrets to eternal life were contained therein. It made her feel extremely uncomfortable. She decided not to have a starter.

The waiter returned and asked for their order.

Isabelle had barely gotten a syllable out when Brian interrupted her;

“Yeah” he said.  “I’ll have the Chicken tagine.”

Isabelle ordered a lamb dish and searched her mind for possible conversation topics. Brian stopped staring at her chest for a fifth of a nanosecond and said:

“You know, you look a lot like Sharon from Battlestar Galactica. Do you watch it?”

Isabelle panicked internally: What’s a Battlestar Galactica? “I’ve never seen it.” She said finally.

“Really?” said Brian in shock.  “Well, that’s a complement. She’s like the second hottest chick in it.”

“Second hottest?” queried Isabelle.

“Yeah, but I mean, the hottest is number six. Tricia Helfer. But she’s completely smoking. Like, She was a model, I think.”

“Oh. That’s interesting.” said Isabelle, without any enthusiasm.

The waiter arrived with their food and they busied themselves eating. Brian ate like the food was in danger of going stale, particles of couscous flew in every direction.

“This has got raisins in it.” announced Brian.

“It said so on the menu.” advised Isabelle.

“Those things give me wind. I’ll be farting like a trooper if I eat them.”

“Nice to know.”

“Well, I don’t want to embarrass myself…you know…later.” Brian smirked.

Crap! Does he think this is going well? Is he expecting sex? Doesn’t he realise that this is the most awkward date ever? thought Isabelle.

She returned to her lamb and finished her plate. The food was great at least.

“We getting dessert?” said Brian.

Isabelle thought long and hard. She’d sneaked a peek at the menu earlier. The idea of a white chocolate cheesecake or Apple and Banana fritters was tempting but she’d rather get out of here.

“Sorry, not me. I’ve watching my figure.”

“I can understand why you’d do that. I’m doing it as well.” Brian smirked again.

Isabelle’s skin crawled.

Brian stood up and went over to the bar. He asked for the bill and was handed a slip of paper.

“Here Isabelle!” He shouted after he had read it. “Your half comes to twelve euro.”

Isabelle took the required amount from her purse and handed it to the waiter.

“I need to go to the bathroom before we leave. Meet you back here when I’ve pushed one out?” asked Brian.

“Sure.” replied Isabelle.

Brian walked down to the back of the restaurant where the toilets were. As soon as Brian was out of sight she grabbed her coat, ran for the door and didn’t look back. Those bitches in the office were going to get a piece of her mind on Monday morning.

Convention Preparation: Part Three of Three.

OK, so it’s time for the final part of convention preparation:What to do at the con itself.

Convention Etiquette.

I covered basic hygiene last week so I’ll assume you’re washed and dressed appropriately.

You’re going to have to queue, sometimes for hours, to get into the more popular panels. Be nice, don’t cut the queue, don’t break wind in the line and nerve gas the people around you and please, no shoving.

Treat everyone like you’d want to be treated and make the effort to talk to people. You’d be amazed at the conversations you’ll strike up if you make the effort. Even if you’re a bit of a loner socially (and many of us are) or at the con on your own I’d strongly urge you to make the effort. Remember, you have at least one thing in common with the stranger beside you: your shared love of pop culture. There’s a conversation starter right there. 

We’re in a connected world and the online fandom can sometimes breed a bit on anger in people. You may run into people you’ve crossed swords with on a message board in the past. It happens. Resist the urge to smash your pint glass in their stupid faces, I don’t care if they insulted Joss Whedon or committed another heinous crime: leave it alone. You will be thrown out of the con or arrested.

You may run into guests outside of the convention. Remember to give them their space. Don’t rush over to them in the Indian restaurant down the street and demand they sign your chest or speak to them while they’re taking a dump. Both of these are things I have seen happen.

Having said that, if they’re holding court in the hotel bar, get in there and buy them a drink! They’re regular people too. You may be surprised what you have in common.

Attending panels.

This is the fun stuff right here, it’s one of the major attractions of attending any convention. You get to sit in a room and hear someone whose work you adore just talk for an hour. The best panels I have attended are hours I will remember forever. (e.g. Veronica Mars panel at SDCC in 2006.) 

There’ll usually be a Q & A session at the end. Have your burning questions ready. You’ll usually be only able to ask one as time is always against you. Keep it short and sweet. Sometimes someone else will have asked your question already, have a back up prepared and written down somewhere just in case.

Oh and don’t be the guy AT EVERY CONVENTION I’VE EVER BEEN TO who asks the voice actor “What would happen if (cartoon character A) and (cartoon character B) went to a restaurant and didn’t get what they ordered.” Voice actors hate these questions. In fact, if you asked one what was the question they’d least like to be asked it would probably be one of these types of question. (Someone asked this to Gary Chalk (Voice of Optimus Prime) at a con I attended a few years back and got that exact answer.)

Also DO NOT ask an actor if they’ve read slash fiction involving characters they’ve played. They haven’t. Most of them have no idea it even exists. (This was also asked of Gary Chalk at the con in the UK I attended. He was asked it at a Canadian convention the next year as well.)  

Signings.

Many cons put a limit of the amount of things you can get signed. Three or four things is usually the maximum allowed. There are lots of other people in the line so be considerate of them and the wrist of the writer or actor who is doing the signing.

Some people will charge for a signed photo, its how many jobbing actors help pay the mortgage. You’ll usually be informed in advance by the con organisers if it’s the case. Most actors in my experience will usually be ok with getting a photo taken with you though.

Buying stuff!

Also a major attraction of attending a con in person. Online shopping is fun but you can’t beat the feeling of finding at item you really wanted in the flesh (as it were).

Sometimes there’ll be con exclusive items (toys, limited edition art prints etc). These can be worth getting but they’ll occasionally be pricey. Depending on the item there may be an aftermarket value so buying a spare for Ebay can be worth your while. (SDCC convention exclusives can go for four to five times their retail price, depending on the item).

Make a shopping list of what you really want to get to help you budget. Get your list done and everything after that is gravy.

You should be prepared to bargain if possible. Some dealers won’t do it. Many will. Shop around. But remember that rare items will go quickly. The last hour of a convention is a good time to do some shopping. The dealers want to bring as little as possible home with them. Getting fifty percent knocked off something is not uncommon if you can haggle. 

Buying artwork from artists is also possible. Sketches can run you anything from €10 to €100, depending on if it’s a head sketch or a full figure. It’s a great way of having a unique item that you can get framed and hang on the wall of your man cave / hovel.

Some artists will be selling the original artwork from comics they’ve worked on. These can cost anything from €40 to a few thousand a page. The higher prices are usually commanded by “Splash page” images (i.e. a single image of a famous character or characters) or comic covers. Expect to pay less for storytelling pages with lots of smaller panels.

You can often walk away with a decent page of published artwork from a top tier comic for €200 to €300.

 
Getting your luggage / purchases home.

Some cons (particularly ones that deal heavily in toys) in the USA will have a Fed-Ex or DHL desk on site that will allow you to send stuff home directly. It’s usually expensive but you’re paying for the convenience.

You can always post packages home from a nearby post office as well. Chances are you’ll make it home before the parcel does.

Book an extra bag in for the return journey in advance if you are planning on getting a lot of stuff. It’s cheaper than showing up at the airport with the extra bag.

That’s it, that’s all I can think of off-hand! I’d be happy to take further questions via the comments or facebook if you have any.

Convention Preparation! Part Two of Three.

Hopefully the three people reading this found last week's post to be interesting. Today I'll cover accommodation and personal matters.

Accommodation.

Unless you’re planning on buying a copy of Spider-man number 1 then this is probably going to be one of your biggest single expenses. There are ways of getting this figure down but they aren’t pretty.

Many cons are held in hotels or in convention centres connected to hotels. These are usually your best bet for accommodation. Reduced room rates are generally offered to attendees and these can be good value they often throw in free parking or Wi-Fi as well.

Another reason to stay in the con hotel is that there’s also a bit more of a buzz around the con location with attendees and guests often mingling in the bar into the small hours of the morning. UK and Irish cons are really good for this kind of thing in my experience. Go on, have a drink with your favourite cast member of Doctor Who. It’s worth paying for that isn’t it?

Sharing a room with another attendee can bring down the cost but ideally make sure you know your roommate. I’ve heard horror stories about people being left in the lurch by randomers they’ve agreed to share a room with at a convention. (Room service they didn’t order, breakages, being locked out of the room and forced to sleep in the hall etc).

Most conventions will be held in a city centre or within a short bus journey of same so you’ll have other options if you want to spend less on your place to stay. Tripadvisor is your friend, or ask someone with local knowledge.

As regards SDCC, Hotel rooms in San Diego can run on the expensive side though many hotels offer reduced convention rates. These reduced rates will still run you around $150 a night or more and they’re as hard to get as tickets for the convention itself. This year’s allocation was offered via the comic con website and is gone already.

Expect to pay $200 a night for a standard (i.e. clean and not rat infested) room at SDCC. Three star hotels in NYC will run you around the same price but there’s many other options to get those costs down if needs be. Such as staying away from the convention and using the subway to get around.  

If going to SDCC, try to get a hotel on one of the convention organised bus routes. The buses run through the night from the convention centre to the hotels and are a safe way to get around. I’ve never experienced any trouble on them no matter what time I got one. Most of the convention approved hotels are within walking distance of the con as well and San Diego is reasonably safe even at night.

Personal matters.

The usual tips for travelling in any city apply: Don’t look too much like a tourist or leave your bag hanging off the back of your chair. Try avoid any areas where membership of a gang is a prerequisite.

Now, this next part isn’t addressed to you, don’t be insulted. But….there is always, ALWAYS some people at every con I’ve been to that smells like Satan’s armpit. These people (again, not you) clearly didn’t like the price of the hotels and decided that sleeping in a dumpster was the way to go.

There’s probably a shower in your hotel. Use it at least once a day. They have unlimited hot water. You have no excuse: SHOWER!!!!!  No amount of deodorant or eau de toilette will cover up your stink after standing in line for hours on end if you haven’t had a shower. (Though a good deodorant is also necessary. Roll on ones work best. Body spray cracks under the pressure.)

Also, brush your teeth and use mouthwash, you may end up chatting to Stan Lee or someone equally as famous. You do not want your breath to stink like a horses’ hairy hole. 

What should I bring to the con with me?

Firstly, bring a backpack, one you can carry comfortably for hours. It'll be extremely handy and will allow you to have you hands free. Your backpack should contain:

Food and water. Nothing too crazy. Just a bottle or two of water and something to graze on. It’s often difficult to find time to get food if you have a full itinerary and on site food provision at cons is stupidly expensive (think airport prices.) and usually rancid.

Extra bags. Plastic bags are necessary if you’re planning on buying merchandise. If you’re thinking of getting a lot of stuff or something particularly grandiose then pack one of those massive bags that Toy’s R Us give out when you buy something there or even one of those IKEA blue bags.

Camera. Holy cow! That’s (insert famous person name here)! I really wish I had a decent camera to take a once in a lifetime picture…

Seriously, photo opportunities will happen. Be prepared to capture them.

Batteries. For your camera.

Money and credit card.

Baby wipes. Yes, Really! You may break out in a cold sweat at certain times. Have something to clean yourself off with.

Dress comfortably for the con if you can. You’ll be standing for long periods in queues etc and will probably walk quite a bit to get to panels and on the trading floor if it’s a bigger show. I've heard of people losing several pounds at SDCC due to the amount of walking that needs to be done to get around the convention centre. Hence why you should bring water and why people get really sweaty.

 

If you're cosplaying, well...good luck.

Next Week: At the convention!

Convention Preparation! Part One of Three.

I’m taking a break from the short stories for a few weeks as I wait for the inspiration fairy to deliver some ideas. I thought I’d throw up a few articles over the coming weeks on various things.

 

The first thing I though I’d talk about is attending a comic or science fiction convention. I have some experience in this kind of thing having attended multiple cons in the past including San Diego Comic Con and some in the UK.

 

This year I’m planning to hit up four or five cons including the Barcelona comic con next month, Roll Out Roll Call in the UK and DICE, Dublin Comic Con and Arcade Con in Dublin. I’ll more than likely do write ups on those after the fact as well.

 

This article will be in three parts, the first will cover tickets, getting there & finances, Accommodation, general preparation and what you should bring with you will be part two. The final part will cover convention etiquette, attending panels, signings, buying stuff and getting your luggage / purchases home.

 

What convention should I attend?

 

Depends on what you’re after. The main event in the geek calendar is San Diego Comic Con (SDCC). San Diego is an amazing experience and is worth attending at least once just because of the sheer scale of the thing. 130,000 people pass through the doors of the convention centre in a weekend.

 

Most of the movie studios attend as they try to shill what they think will sell to the geek audience. Anyone starring as a superhero / vampire / girl fighting against an evil capitol next summer will most likely be there. However, you WILL NOT be able to meet any of the actors or celebrities who attend it; they’re on a studio financed junket and are usually being interviewed by the media all day except for a brief panel appearance. So if you’re hoping to meet Robert Downey Jr at SDCC then you are out of luck my friend. The best you’ll get is a view of him on a video screen as he presents a clip of Iron Man 4 from a stage about 100 metres away.

 

Which isn’t to say it’s a waste of time. Those massive panels are often a lot of fun to attend. The actors are usually charming and trying their best to be funny: They’re trying to get you to spend money on what they’re selling so they put on a show. Also it’s one of the few times in their career they get to bask in the glory of having thousands of fans so they’re generally up for a good time.

 

Smaller cons are the way to go if you want to have a chance to actually talk to writers, artists and actors about their work. I’m hearing good things about the Phoenix comic con which is held in Arizona in the early summer, it seems to offer a high calibre of guest line up but it’s smaller and you might actually get to talk to Leonard Nimoy or whoever.

 

Local comic cons are an enjoyable cheaper alternative. If you’re trying to break in to the industry they also offer opportunities for networking that are hard to beat.

 

Tickets.

 

San Diego is pretty cheap for what you get; it’s priced similarly to a middle of the road music festival. It is steadily getting more expensive though. Of course there’s the fact that tickets are now almost impossible to get. All the tickets for this years’ con went in about an hour a few weeks back. Unless you’re lucky, Tom Cruise or get a cancellation then it’s going to be pretty hard to get in the door. Personally I blame the increasing numbers of PR people attending it; those bloodsuckers leave less room for actual fans to get in the door.  

 

Tickets generally go on pre sale some months in advance of the con, even for the smaller, more fan focused ones. It allows the organiser to plan their budget out and have cash to pay for deposits etc. It’s a good idea to purchase early as then you can spread out the cost over a few months rather than buying everything at the last minute. Occasionally there’ll be discounted early bird tickets or goodie bags for early purchasers too.

 

Getting there!

 

Going to America for a con will cost you. Flights to the West Coast can easily run to €1,400 from Europe and there are few options, particularly from Ireland. Aer Lingus used to run direct flights to Los Angles and San Francisco but stopped a few years back. A stopover, either in London, New York or Atlanta will probably be necessary. Prices and timetables will be better to New York as well. Maybe plan a couple of days sightseeing there on the way over or back?

 

Booking early doesn’t seem to shave much off the price either in my experience.

 

Remember to get a tourist visa in advance. Apply directly to the US government immigration service for it online if that option is available to you. It’s quick, painless and you get an answer within a day or two. You’ll see lots of companies offering to middleman it for you for an additional fee. It’s a waste of money.  

 

European cons are much less hassle to attend from a travel perspective, Thanks Ryanair! But the usual warnings about flying apply as you will get creamed for overweight luggage, which isn’t as much of a problem for the U.S. with the generous transatlantic luggage allowances.

 

Finances.

 

Full disclosure: I am a Qualified Financial Advisor. I know. You’re jealous. Women positively melt when I tell them that.

 

I’m kidding. I’m so desperate for human contact that I hug the postman every morning. Anyway, the good thing is I actually know that of which I now speak.

 

Get travel insurance with health cover included if you’re going to the USA. This is a MUST. If you get sick after bad Mexican food (a probability) or beaten up by ravenous trekkies (also likely) then you’ll be glad you did. Plenty of places do it for €20 - €30 for a single trip and can cover you for a whole year for a reasonable sum. It’s also not a bad idea for Europe either, though at least in good old socialist plagued Europe there’s functioning public health care. They don’t leave you to die by the side of the road of a burrito fuelled spastic colon in Madrid like they would in some parts of the States that will go unnamed…(Alabama).

 

How much spending money will you need? Budget $100 (€70, £55) a day to cover food, drink and transport etc. Eating out anywhere is expensive unless you’re consuming horse burgers but it’s doubly so in the Peoples Republic of California also you should at least attempt to eat a decent (i.e. not McDonalds) meal every day to avoid the aforementioned spastic colon issues. California is amazing for sushi by the way.

 

Save money by buying basics (bottled water, Oreos, yoghurt) in the local store and leaving it in the fridge in your hotel. Some supermarkets don’t charge you the sales tax in the USA on food items if you’re obviously foreign, so practice your funny accents! I saved twenty cent on yoghurt that way.

 

Always have your credit card with you. If you can (and you should!) load a few hundred euro onto it in advance of the trip so you aren’t in danger of breaching your limit should something happen.

 

Warn your bank in advance of a foreign trip, particularly if you’re planning any big purchases. They’ll put a flag on your account to expect increased activity from the foreign location for the time you’re away and therefore won’t cancel your card or stop you buying a new Ipod.

 

Use the card to buy the expensive items (like electronics, for example) as your purchases will be insured by the card company and you can claim a refund via the card if you need to. Keep your receipts but don’t let the customs guy find them on the way home!

 

Taking money out via an ATM is doable overseas (check if your ATM card has a maestro symbol on it). Maestro cards should be accepted at ATMs connected to bank branches but may not work in those standalone machines you sometimes see in shops. A sign on the machine will tell you either way. I once spent 30 minutes wandering around Las Vegas looking for a compatible machine a few years back. Things have improved since though.

 

You will be charged ATM transaction fees, which can be steep, so use it sparingly and take enough in a single transaction to last you for a few days at a time. The exchange rate on any card isn’t as good as that at the foreign exchange desk in your local bank but it’s far safer than buying a weeks worth of foreign cash at the bank branch and walking around with it on your person.

 

Keep your credit and ATM cards in separate places in case you get pick- pocketed. I know that seems like pretty basic advice but I see it ALL the time. It’s like people leave their common sense behind them when they go on holiday. Remember, at a con you will be brushing up against people all day. Not all of those people have your financial interests at heart.

 

You’ll know yourself what you intend buying at the con and can therefore budget appropriately but do bring a little bit extra in case a Holy Grail item that you always wanted is somehow available at a decent price.

 

Use cash at the con itself as very few vendors have portable credit card machines and the queues for those few that have them are normally huge anyway.

 

Do not expect the convention centre or hotel where the con is being held to have a working ATM. These will be tapped out within a few hours of opening time, if you’re staying off-site then pick up your cash on the way or make a run to the nearest bank and get your money out during down time.

 

 Try hold onto small notes as many dealers or artists selling their work will run out of change in no time and exact change is always welcomed.  

 

That’s it for part one. Next week: Accommodation, General preparation and what you may like to bring to the con with you.

A Realistic Chick – Lit novel (in less than two thousand words!)

A Realistic Chick – Lit novel (in less than two thousand words!)

 

 

It won’t happen in a burst of sunlight, Violins won’t be playing in the background when you see him for the first time. He isn’t a mysterious stranger from an exotic locale. He’s more than likely a work colleague or a friend of a friend. Chances are that you’ve seen him a million times before: at that house party where you had a little too much to drink and had to be carried to a taxi, or maybe across the bar at someone’s emigration night out as you say goodbye to another mutual acquaintance.

 

You’ll exchange a few words at various times, always with one of your friends in tow. One night you’ll ask your work colleague or friend what his story is. Is he single? Or attached? Or recently broken up with his ex? Any weird scars? A history of drug abuse? No? She’ll laugh and tease you and wonder aloud whether you fancy him. You’ll shush her and tell her not to be so childish.

 

And then there’ll be another chance meeting, your friend will remember your carefully phrased queries and she’ll talk to him and invite you over to join in. Once the two of you are chatting amiably she’ll retreat and leave you to it. You speak to him properly for the first time. He seems nice. He doesn’t appear to be a serial killer or an emotionless robot. That’s a good result; this is dating in Dublin after all. You have to go but he asks for your number. You give it to him, reasoning that the worst that could happen is that you get a free meal and some cocktails out of him.

 

You wait a few days, idly wondering if the phone will ring or he’ll text you or something. After what he believes is a prudent amount of time (three days or so), you’ll get a short text from him inquiring after your well-being.   You’ll respond and a couple of days of gentle flirting will follow. Both of you seem to be at a loose end this Saturday. Do you suggest a meeting? Before you can work up the nerve you get a non-committal offer from him. It says something like “Fancy a drink this weekend?” You stop breathing in panicked terror. “Yes. Where & When?” is your reply. He names some middle of the road establishment that serves alcohol (necessary for any first date with an Irish man). You’ll agree to see him there and the hunt for the perfect outfit begins.    

 

Saturday arrives and after the third attempt you have found an outfit that says both: “I’m interesting” and: “I’m not too worried if this doesn’t work out” in equal measure.

 

You arrive late; he’s already staked out a table and a couple of chairs in the bar. You join him and he asks you what you’d like to drink. You’re flustered and a million questions flash through your mind. Do men like women who drink pints? Is it too early for a Jager-bomb? Is a Long Island Ice Tea acceptable? Will he freak out if you order the same thing as him? You settle for a bottle of beer. The usual first date conversation happens. You compare numbers of siblings and interests. He likes football a bit too much. He is familiar with every Bruce Willis movie ever. You like cats and yoga. So far so good. He makes you laugh a couple of times and he smiles occasionally. His teeth are acceptable. So that’s good. The night draws to a close and he walks you to a taxi rank. He gives you a peck on the cheek just before you climb into the cab and mentions that you should do this again. He says he’ll call you in a couple of days.

 

The next morning you find you have two text messages. One is from him: “Did u get hme OK?” and the other is from your mutual friend: “Well? How’d it go?” You text him and call her. She wants all the details so you tell her.

 

On Monday evening he calls you. Are you free later this week? You mull over potential responses. Saying Wednesday will make you seem too eager; saying Saturday may imply that you’re not really interested. You suggest a trip to the cinema on Thursday. Date two happens and is a qualified success. It’s cold so he puts his arm around your shoulder as he walks you to the dart station. You kiss him goodbye and he waits to make sure you board the train safely. This is it you tell yourself.

 

Six dates pass, you’re an item now or so all of your friends say. Now you’ve reached an impasse. It’s time to take the next step and stay over at his place. You’d have him stay at yours but your flat mates wouldn’t approve. Dinner on Friday night goes so well that you miss the nitelink bus and he invites you to stay over. You walk back to his city centre flat and it’s neat and tidy, it’s been recently cleaned. He offers to make tea and you gratefully take a cup. You sit together on the corner unit and stare at his book shelf. Nothing sets off your alarms, it is stuffed with biographies of footballers and rugby players and there are a refreshing lack of dismembered dolls heads scattered around the place. He’s normal you say to yourself. Thanking the heavens. He chivalrously offers to take the couch and you can have his bed. You declare it to be nonsense and both go the bedroom. The sheets are freshly laundered.

 

What happens next isn’t as mind blowing as you had hoped….

 

Over the next few months you meet his parents and he meets yours. Nothing takes place during these events to de-rail what’s happening. You holiday together someplace sunny. You spend a lot of time on the beach; he buys a lot of drinks with little umbrellas in them. You return home nut brown and refreshed.

 

It’s suddenly time to move in together. An extra wardrobe is purchased for your shoes and clothes; he clears some space in the bathroom for your toiletries. Domestic bliss occurs despite some arguments about what to watch on telly on those quiet nights in.

 

You look at the drama that goes on with the love lives of your friends: break ups and cheating and blazing rows and despondent loneliness. You realise that what you have isn’t bad after all. You have a stable life with a man who cares for you and you never have to be lonely again.

 

Marriage is inevitable. Both of your parents want to be able to invite all their friends to your special day. Plans are made, dresses are bought, and bouquets are picked. The days leading up to the event are stressful, mostly because everyone else wants their say on the event. You wish you could just elope somewhere. He suggests the same thing and you consider it but it’ll break your mother’s heart. The day happens, vows are exchanged. Your first dance is some song that means something to you both. People clap and cheer and do their best to run up an almighty bar tab. A couple of your friends cry. He wanders around the venue with a cigar and laughs with his teammates from the soccer team.

 

The honeymoon is fine: Sightseeing and mild food poisoning are involved. You return home and its business as usual. The only major difference is that you need to get used to having a ring on your finger. That’s it.

 

Children are discussed at length. He’d prefer not to. Not just yet. He wants to wait. Men are never in a rush. They can father children at any time; it’s you who has a biologically imposed time limit. You agree but a few years down the line it happens anyway. It wasn’t planned but it’s time. Isn’t it? Your first is born and takes its toll on both your body and your relationship. But they always do. He takes some time to adjust to being a father but he pulls through in the end. Your life dissolves into a micromanaged daily routine. Feedings, nappy changes and late nights give away to school runs and nativity plays and dancing practice.

 

He stays later and later at work. He says it’s a busy time of the year but you suspect something else. You never prove anything and he reverts to normal after a few months and you figure that he’s copped on and ended whatever it was. Eventually you forget about it.

 

Life continues: another child, a dog and family holidays at Disneyworld. You begin to feel your age but it feels like only weeks have passed since that first date. Every so often he’ll do something that reminds you that he cares for you: a trip to Paris without the kids or he’ll wrap his arms around you when you’re sitting together in the back garden enjoying the late summer sunshine over a cold beer.

 

And then he gets the news you’ve been secretly dreading: he’s sick. Whether it’s his heart or lungs or spleen you know what’s going to happen. He dies one winter night just before Christmas.

 

The next six years pass by achingly slowly. You never really realised how much time you spent together, often not actually doing anything important. Just having him close enough was enough. And now you’re bereft. You spend most of your time looking back on how things once were. July brings coughing fits and you know you’ll be joining him shortly. Your last thought is how quickly it all went.